The effect that sexual abuse had upon my son

Dear Pam

I am really pleased I found your site, makes you realise you are not alone. I do not mind you putting my story on your site but for obvious reasons I need to remain anonymous. I think it may help me to off load the sadness I feel seeing my son suffer the pain of a mental illness.

When my son was five years old, he was sexually abused/assaulted by a sixteen year neighbour. We lived on a housing estate at the time, Jason often went to his friends home near by to play. It was the neighbours son next door to his friend who abused/assaulted my son. I found out about this by accident, when my son was playing at home with his younger brother. He came out with the word "shag" it took me a bit by surprise. It is not a word I use and I was not too sure why he said it. 

I questioned him about the word he used more so to find out where he had heard it and what he thought it meant. When I asked him what he thought it meant, at first he did not answer. Then he looked up and said it is what you do to ladies when you marry them. I do not really know why I pushed it, alarm bells started ringing. I asked him again what he thought the word meant, this time although he did not answer the question, he started to make the movements of making love. I asked Jason where he had seen this done, thinking he might have seen it on TV somewhere. Jason replied "Malcolm did it to me".

The police were involved, they questioned Jason. The only thing he kept repeating was "Malcolm did it to me" showing the police officer the same movements. The Police questioned Malcolm, of course he denied everything. The police did not believe him, but because Jason was under 7 years old he was too young to go to court.

Jason mentioned this incident on and off over the following years. When he was old enough to go to disco and clubs he often bumped into Malcolm's older brother. Jason started to talk about the abuse/assault again. Thinking the older brother knew what had happened and that he would think Jason was to blame for what his brother had done to him. He also thought the older brother was telling other people. I tried to reassure him, that the older brother would be too ashamed to tell other people about his brother. It was his brothers fault and Jason was not to blame.

Jason joined the Navy at 171/2, he did really well in the Navy.  At twenty one he got engaged to a local girl and was looking forward to getting married and starting a family. At the age of twenty two he went to Bosnia when all the troubles were going on. On his return I noticed something was wrong, he was not his usual happy go lucky self. He seemed quieter, not interested in going out socialising like he used to. At first I put it down to his return from Bosnia and perhaps he needed time to wind down. Over the following months it became apparent to me, there was something more to it. He seemed to be suffering from depression. I tried to persuade him to seek help, thought maybe counseling might help.

He was put onto anti depressants but he got worse and ended up being admitted to a military psychiatric unit. While at the unit, it came out that one of the officers aboard ship had made a pass at him, he was Jason's PT instructor. He had been pestering Jason, Jason had confided in one of his ship mates about it. He felt too afraid or embarrassed to officially report it, for fear he would not be believed. His ship mate however had spread it all over the ship and some of the crew had been taunting him. Calling him names like gay ect.

I remember Jason coming home one time, telling us about it then broke down crying. Saying can everybody else see something he couldn't. Once again he thought it was his fault, he must have done something to encourage the PT instructor. Then he started going on about Malcolm and what he had done. He went further and further into depression, or so I thought. Jason was Medically discharged from the Navy at the age of 24, with a diagnosis of Schizophrenia.

He became paranoid and was hearing voices. He had this fear that because this happened to him, he would end up like his perpetrators abusing children. The voices he heard were called him gay, pervert and pedophile. He had nightmares about being raped and would wake up and believe it was real. He was living in torment and being mentally tortured.

His younger brother got married and had children, before Jason became ill, he loved children. When my first grandson was borne Jason would not even look at him, let alone touch him. I would talk to Jason and try to coax him to hold his nephew. He refused every time. If my grandson spoke to him, Jason would turn his back on him, would not answer him and not want to be in the same room as him. The fear he would end up like his perpetrators was the reason. He would hear the voices constantly telling him he was gay a pervert and pedophile. I knew this was not true, but there was nothing I could say to him to help him change him mind.

Over the following seven years, I talked and coaxed, reasoned with Jason. Would keep telling him it was not his fault what had happened, he was none of those things the voices were saying about him. I gave him loads of information about schizophrenia, trying to help him to understand what was happening to him. I encouraged him to fight it.

Around this time my second grandson was borne, Jason still refused to touch him or hold him. Still heard the voices. This time I was more used to Jason's symptoms, and if I thought there was any truth in what he was hearing I would not have persevered. This time I did not give up, when my grandson was three months old I managed to persuade Jason to hold him. I made the excuse I wanted to take a photo. It took a while, but he gave in and held him. I still have the photo of Jason holding the baby and looking down at the babies face.

That was three years ago, that day was a turning point for Jason. He spoils his nephew, plays with him, takes him to the park laughs at his mischief. Jason Still hears the voices at times, but one word he never seems to mention is "Pervert".

Jason is the most warm hearted and caring person you could ever wish to meet. Something his illness has not changed.

Yvonne                                                    Essex