My Story

My Story

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NEW Carers Expert- By Experience sister site This site will be where you will find carers stories. It is new at the moment and will be added to shortly

Who is to Blame?

2 The beginning 3 Getting Help 4 The affect caring had 5 What I did 6 Challenging the System

I am sat here wondering where to start, looking back over my son’s childhood looking for answers. Why did this happen to my son? I have read and heard so many theories as to what causes mental health problems. One being families, this seems to be a fashionable theory. Stigma

So now I start looking for answers, was this my fault? I start pulling out memories from the past. Steven is my first-born:

I remember when I gave birth to my second son, at home. Steven went to bed that night, the next morning he was greeted with a new baby brother. In the back of my mind I was worried Steven may feel left out. I remember hugging him and crying when he came into my bedroom. I need not have worried he was so delighted to see this new baby, he trotted of to his bedroom and brought back toys and books for his brother to play with. Over the years that followed Steven was very caring and gentle towards his baby brother, even when his baby brother hit him he did not retaliate.

I have three sons in total. They have all had the child hood illnesses children get, chicken pox etc. One thing I noticed is Steven always seemed to be effected far worse than the other two, when he got a temperature he often became delirious and on a number of occasions would experience visual hallucinations.

Comment: Is there any link here?

When he was well he was no different than any other child, got up to mischief as they do. I used to read to him quite often, his favourite story was The Billy Goat Gruff. He must have memorised the words, because if I missed one word out he would stop and correct me. He seemed to have a really good memory. He started school at the age of 5 and was always interested in learning, before he was six we had taught him his six times table. He always loved school and rarely missed a day up until the day he left at the age of 16.

We lived in a block of flats; the area itself was a bit rough. There was a park directly outside of our window, I would look out and see the younger children being bullied by the older kids. I vowed to myself I would not let my children do this. I would tell them not to hit younger children only hit back if somebody hit them. This seemed to work while living in the flats.

When Steven was seven years old we moved to a house. Two children who lived near by were a bit handy with their fist. Something I later discovered had been encouraged by their parents. My two were constantly being bullied by these children and would not hit back. I was not one for arguing over kids. But I thought I had to do something, so I sent them both for boxing lessons only long enough for them to learn how to defend their selves.

Comment: Was this my fault they were bullied by discouraging them from being spiteful? Had I made them into victims?

Once they had learned to defend their selves things got a bit easier for them, almost as if they had gained some respect from the bullies.

When they got up to mischief, or if somebody complained about something they had done. I would tell them off, but I also took a different approach and would try to explain to them why it was wrong. For example if they pulled a plant out of the ground, I would try to get them to see why the person was angry and the fact they had taken the trouble to plant this flower because they wanted to see it grow and their garden to look nice.

Comment: By doing this, did I make them more sensitive? Is this why my son became ill later in life?

When Steven started comprehensive school, he would often come home with his jacket or trousers torn and covered in mud. He told me the older kids were pushing him around. I wanted to complain to the school, but he did not want me to do this. We lived on a housing estate; the school that Steven went to was in a more upper class area. He gained friends; they were financially better of than us. I can remember hearing him trying to explain to these friends why we had a black and white TV instead of colour. Why he had a second hand bike, when I had found he had told them he had a BMX. His excuse when he was asked where his bike was it was being repaired. I also found out later one of his friends from the school made a comment about the size of our house. It was referred to as a cardboard box.

Comment: Did my son feel inferior to his friends because we were not as well off as them? Did this inferiority stay with him. He would lie to them and say he had something, when he did not just to make them think he was as good as them. Did the fact we were not that well off have an impact on his future mental health. Was this my fault?

Note: They did eventually all have brand new bikes and a colour TV.

When they were growing up I do not think I was over strict with them. On occasions I would smack them if they were really naughty and would not take any notice by me verbally telling them off. I dealt with the discipline and would not let their dad touch them for fear he would be heavier handed being a man.

Comment: Has being smacked got anything to do with him being ill? I was hit far more than I ever smacked them. I used my hands; I had the stair rod or a cane.

When I was young, my mother never encouraged me to bring friends into the home. I was the opposite, I would encourage my children to bring their friends here and feel I was pretty laid back about this. Many times I would have up to 10 or more of their friends here in different rooms at one time. Playing board games, weight training, playing on the Atari. I often made a joke about this and referred to my home as the local youth club. They would want to go off camping in a tent, I was a bit apprehensive about this, so I would come to a compromise and let them camp in the garden, with up to three tents at a time. They were also into marshal arts as this was the in thing at the time; I would often play with them and make attempts at having a go at karate (including the verbal noises). We would also go off on day trips to the beach sometimes I would take their friends with us.

Comment: Was their childhood so bad? We may not have had a lot of money but we had other things. What have I done that is so bad to have been the cause of my son becoming ill?

At the age of 12 Steven joined the army cadets along with his brother. He really loved the cadets. He was very sport orientated playing in local football teams, his main sport was cross-country; he joined Brickfields and ran for Plymouth Athletic Club competing as far away as Wales. I have recently counted all of the medals he gained; excluding certificates he has 37 medals.

Steven made a decision from around the age of 13 he wanted to join the army when he left school. He left school at the age of sixteen with qualifications ranging from A to C grade. He immediately wanted to join the army. I felt he was too young and refused to sign the papers for him to join. Over the following year he first started a summer job with the Plymouth City Council doing gardening work. After this he started at a local engineering training school studying electrics and electronics was being sponsored by the council for this, this resulted in him getting a work placement with a marine firm and was accepted as an apprentice. Installing radar etc on boats and buildings. He was not content with this and was still determined to join the army. At the age of 171/2 I gave in and signed the papers for him to join.

This blame theory has effected me quite a lot, I have to hold my hands up. It makes me feel quite angry and defensive. But at the same time I feel this inner guilt when I am, with people who I know have read and been taught this. I feel like I am being judged and convicted of something I am not guilty of. When I talk to these people this is in the back of my mind most of the time. This results in me being defensive, not just for myself but for other families. Yes I am aware some people have had, traumatic experiences in their childhood which may involve family. Thinking back I cannot say my childhood was so brilliant either. I do not have a mental illness because of it. Unless I lack insight.

Deep inside I know I am not responsible, then I think how dare anyone judge me on something they have read, based on other peoples theories. In my mind the world of mental health is mainly based upon theory maybe one day facts will emerge from the theories. But seeing as we are all unique and individual, there will never be one answer for all.